a sky without the stars
by darkredlipstick
Summary: why don't you rip open his chest and break his heart with a hammer? even that would have hurt less...


**Gah. I know I'm supposed to be updating All That Glitters (I renamed it- used to be A Perfect Butterfly) and iWon't Give Up but I've had this story idea kind of planted in my mind for the past three days and I needed to get it off my chest. There's kind of three songs inspired while writing this and I know it's ridiculously weird and nonsense but if I didn't do something with this idea I would have somehow tried to make incorporate it in my other stories which would have ended in disaster….**

**Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly- leave that all to Dan.**

* * *

><p><em>and now the parties over<em>

_and everybody's gone_

The hangover's worse than ever. Your poor head is pounding like your brain is trying to push it's way out of your fragile head. _it'salmostlikemusic_.

The Saturday rain's pouring outside and you lean your throbbing head against the cold window and feel the beat from the song beating a little less. The soft of the rain comforts you as you pull the covers close to you.

You wish the rain would wash away last night and **him**. You desperately hope he won't remember a thing.

_(stop lying to yourself)_

It's a regular day for you as they sit in Carly Shay's living room and watch TV. Spencer comes in and out of his bedroom commenting on how "unusual" it is for you two to be there, Carly talking about the latest gossip she heard from Wendy, you fight like cats and dogs, Carly makes lemonade, Spencer creates some weird sculpture, you devour their food, he talks about useless things.

Everything's going perfectly **likelastnightdidn'thappen **until Spencer and Carly decide to order food for dinner and go out and get it and he corners you.

"Sam-"

"We are not talking about it."

"How do you know what I'm about to say?"

"You have that look on your face like you're going to make me talk about it."

"Well why won't you?"

"Because I've blocked out everything that happened last night."

_(you pretend your heart didn't just shatter from the look on his face)_

* * *

><p>He avoids you and you avoid him.<p>

When you're talking to Carly at her locker and he suddenly shows up with Gibby, suddenly you have the biggest need to use the bathroom. When you show up in the classroom when he's talking to Carly, suddenly his textbook seems to be luring him into the spells of proper grammar and metaphors.

Carly begins to notice during an iCarly rehearsal. She tells him that she left her note cards in her bedroom and politely asks him to go get it. Once he's out of earshot, she blasts off.

"Why aren't you and Freddie speaking? And don't tell me it's normal behavior and that you hate the sound of his "nerdy" voice, because I know you better than that. And I know that you _liked_ hearing the sound of his "nerdy" voice because you used to always mess with him to rile him up."

You hate thinking that Carly might know you better than you knows yourself, even with your precious walls up.

"Last Friday Night."

"What about last Friday night?"

"It's a good song."

* * *

><p>You're sitting on your roof, even though Carly scolds you of it's danger, and finger the rusty bottle cap you've managed to pry off of the bottle of happiness<em>[numbness]<em>

You look at the night sky and stares at the pretty stars. You smile to yourself as you take a tinier sip than usual and let liquid burn your throat. You think of the sky and stars like she thought of peanut butter and jelly, salt and pepper, Romeo and Juliet,

_Sam&Freddie._

* * *

><p>It's another high school party that Carly's able to drag you both too. As soon as you all step inside the door, you lose your friend to the sea of seniors and couples.<p>

You maneuver your way through the crowd to your favorite section- the punch bowl.

You're well aware he's following her but you ignores him and scoops yourself some punch. Just as you're about to take an addicting sip, he swipes the paper cup from you and throws it in the garbage.

Your eyes flash a violent shade of blue but he doesn't budge.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" You seethe as he drags you away from the punch.

"I know you're doing to yourself, Sam." He says as he looks you in the eye once you're far away from your sanity. "And if you believe it numbs away and makes you forget everything, then I'm not going to let it happen."

"Since when did you become my father? Last time I checked you **don't **control me."

"Go ahead and forget what actually happened Last Friday Night but you and I both **don't **forget what we actually felt."

"It's called Vodka, Freddie." You snap, tired of his insistent lectures. "It makes you feel "things" that you **don't** normally feel. And you and I both know we **don't** and will never feel those things. I **don't** have any feelings for you just because I accidentally and drunkly seduced you. "

_(why don't you rip open his chest and break his heart with a hammer? even that would have hurt less)_

* * *

><p><em>i'm left here with myself<em>

_and i wonder what went wrong_

_and now my heart is broken_

_like the bottles on the floor_

He simply refuses to talk to you anymore.

Or look at you.

Or talk _about_ you.

Or even be in the same room with you.

Whenever you go over to Carly's and he's there before you, he drops whatever conversation he and Carly are having and gets up and leaves.

Carly frowns but doesn't press you. 

She sighs as she asks you about your day, warily. You notice how tired she looks nowadays and think about how her many efforts to get the two of you talking again have failed.

You hate to think that you caused her this sudden exhaustion.

You hate to think that you may have actually broken Freddie.

You hate to think that maybe **you** ruined everything.

_(why do you always mess things up?)_

* * *

><p>You're sitting up on the roof again but this time your precious bottle of Vodka has deserted you.<p>

_(more like your mother finally found the bottle caps in your room and began hiding the bottles better)_

You hate how the sky is just black. How the stars seemed to be hiding or almost invisible and the only light you've got is the streetlights.

Everything's been messed up since he stopped talking to you. iCarly's been awkward and tense, you haven't insulted teachers in class anymore because the only person you could ever count on for a chuckle definitely won't laugh at your jokes, the sky has no stars, Lewbert's obsession with his mole and hatred of teenagers and people has died down, Spencer's art isn't as creative anymore.

In anger, you rip your prized necklace off your neck and chuck it at the ground below. You hear a satisfying _crack_ as the ruby ball explodes into fireworks on the ground.

You hate the fact that everything's all messed up because of you.

You try to reason that Freddie shouldn't take things so seriously and that he's just being a sissy nub but you know deepdeepdeep down you can't bitch about your actions anymore.

* * *

><p>You consider yourself gaining progress as you get him to make a<em> noise<em>.

* * *

><p>You're almost halfway through senior year and during half of that half, you've managed to recreate your reputation.<p>

You used to be feared by every single kid _exceptCarly&Freddie _and the demise of many teachers, but people don't move a muscle anymore when they see you coming down the hall. You don't feel the same fear radiating off of nubs and losers and overly-horny boys.

To be fair- you haven't exactly had _time_ to torture other students. You've been so busy trying to make Freddie talk to you again {and bring the stars back to the sky} that giving Gibby a wedgie or pinning some nerdy, scrawny redheaded boy up against a locker hasn't exactly been on your mind.

Mr. Howard and Mrs. Briggs almost smile when they see you in class which honestly is actually beginning to scare you.

You don't know why it's so important for Freddie to talk to you again, to make up some lame comeback, to laugh at your jokes, and watch movies with you when Carly's out on a date, but you sure as hell know it is.

_(You push the annoying voice inside your head that's saying "you liiiiiikkkeeee him" because honestly? that's so fucking cliché)_

* * *

><p>You almost smile so wide that it would cover your whole mouth and scream in excitement when he <strong>finally<strong> says **one** word to you.

"_Carly wants to know if you can come over tonight and rehearse the next iCarly."_

"_No."_

* * *

><p>It's Wendy who reveals to you why Freddie rejected rehearsing iCarly.<p>

_(you're not sure if you like this reason better than he didn't want to be in the same room with you)_

"He's dating that new girl…oh what's her name…Stacey Powers?"

You tell this to Carly who immediately decides to stalk her. You don't stop her as she begins interrogating people about her classes.

_(carly says she's really pretty with blonde hair curled in ringlets and electric blue eyes. she even has the nerve to say she looks a lot like __**you**__.)_

* * *

><p><em>does it really matter<em>

_or am i just hungover you?_

You finally come to terms that, even though it's so fucking cliché, the annoying voice inside your head was right.

You like Freddie.

Not like, but like-like. Maybe even _love_.

Stacey and Freddie didn't last long. He broke up with her three days after they started going out for some unknown reason.

Three weeks have passed since then and you decide that even though you've quit your Vodka addiction for a while now that this has to be the **worst** hangover you have ever had.

He won't talk to you still but he's beginning to tolerate you more. He'll stay in the room when you enter but he'll turn a blind ear once you say something to him.

You've tried your **absolutefuckinghardest **to look at other guys. You've even tried convincing yourself you liked them. But they never annoyingly talked about Galaxy Wars, or said geeky things that made you want to slap them, or made up a lame comeback when you insulted them.

You and Carly have been going to even more parties but without the spiked punch controlling what you say and do, they've been even more boring than ever.

You decide you have to come to terms with the fact that you just like{love} Freddie.

One day when you see him in the Shay living room as your coming on your usual visit to see Carly, you decide that you're going to break the invisible wall that's keeping you apart.

You shoot Carly a look, who you finally decided to tell what happened, and she understands. She makes up some ridiculous lie about how she needs to meet a boy named Taylor at the dry cleaners. She "subtly" winks at you before leaving.

He starts to get up and leave too but you block the door and begin speaking faster than you ever thought possible.

"Look I'm sorry, okay? I know sorry doesn't make up for what I said to you at the party, but I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that and I honestly didn't mean it. I just didn't want to tell you the truth or even let myself feel that it might have been true. And since we're being honest here, I didn't _accidentally_ seduce you in that van. Frighteningly, I was somewhat sober but mostly intoxicated, but I still knew what I was doing which makes it not an accident. And ever since we stopped talking, I haven't been able to think properly. I can't harass kids anymore because I'm too busy trying to think of a way that'll make you talk to me instead of grunting or groaning or sighing or snorting. And when you said "No" to me when I lied and said "Carly wanted to know if you could come over for a rehearsal tonight", that actually made my day. And it's sad because FatCakes used to be able to make my day but now I can't even eat one without thinking of you and how you would roll yours eyes at me!" You finally take a breath and shut your mouth. You looked up towards his face which you were positive would have been frowning and rolling his eyes but he seemed…expressionless….

"You're….really serious?" He managed to say after about ten minutes of awkward silence.

"More serious than I've ever been in my life."

He seemed to contemplate this as he sat back down. You awkwardly shift your weight on each foot, hoping he would say something soon before you said something stupid.

"And you actually said you're sorry?" He seemed to be asking himself as he stood up once again.

You decide to be smart and not say anything to humiliate yourself even further.

"I don't know what to say," He said shrugging his shoulders almost in defeat.

"Don't say anything, just forgive me, please?" You plead with him as he looked you in the eyes.

"Did you just say _please_?"

"I'm desperate here! This could be the only chance to tell you how I really feel and I can't ruin it or else everything-"

The fireworks on the fourth of July would have envied you two. The butterflies in your stomach keep doing cartwheels and you just can't keep your hands off of his face, which feels softer than you remembered 6 months ago.

_(except you're pretty sure you were almost in the same position- him pinning you against the car seats, his arms wrapped around your waist.)_

Once you break apart, you nearly fall.

"You love me again."

_(you look up at the sky that night and see the stars that you longed to see for so long come out of hiding and finally feel the happiness you looked for through the countless bottles of Vodka)_

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><p><strong>Songs: Hungover by Ke$ha, Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F) by Katy Perry, and Freckles by Natasha Bedingfield. <strong>_**(the chorus goes: cause a face without freckles is like a sky without the stars)**_

**I don't really like the ending but I had to get this off my chest.**

**Hope you….like it?**


End file.
